Pregnancy #3 - I miscarried

On April 20th, 2014 I took a pregnancy test. I was only eight days past a three week late ovulation by my count. I ovulated on cycle day 38 due to nursing full time, this was also my very first cycle since having Calloway in April 2013. I had been nauseous all week. I didn't expect a positive but there the stick laid in front of me, two pink lines.

It was Easter Sunday - the entire family was across the street at the in laws, I was ecstatic and nervous. I ran across the street and showed the stick to my mother in law and my sister in law was there as well, who immediately broke out in laughter. (I had told her to stay clear of me when she got pregnant.) No quicker than I ran over I ran back to my house, shaking, I called my mom. I told her, my sister and my grandma out of pure excitement, plus it was an amazing Easter surprise! All the while my thoughts were flying. What were we going to do?! Rory is only three and Calloway JUST turned one April 9th. Could my body handle this? Could the husband handle the news of another baby by the end of the year?! Time would tell.

About an hour after I tested, Joshua got to his parents house for Easter festivities (he had been at work). He mentioned something to his sister about being pregnant (she's nearly to her second trimester) and how his wife better not be as he gave me a look. I hadn't planned on telling him this way but I just stared at him with that "Well...your shit out of luck" look. He simply responded, "No, no no no" and began asking if I was serious. Of course I was serious, I don't play games when it comes to being pregnant, not after trying so hard for our first.

At the end of the day we headed home. We discussed what we would do. We would need a bigger vehicle, three car seats wouldn't fit in our cobalt. We would need a van. Josh was taking this much better than he took pregnancy number two, he pretty much denied I was pregnant for nine months, avoided it at all costs - he was happy as a clam with just one child, then there were two and now there was going to be three. He actually said, "I just got used to having two kids and now we're going to have three!" Overall, I was thrilled with his reaction compared to number two.

The next day rolled around and I called my doctor to set up my ob appt. I was three weeks one day according to my charts. I never found out this early before, maybe it was twins! My appt was scheduled for May 13th, that would make me about seven weeks when I got to see our bean for the first time. I hate waiting that long but I don't want to go in before I could see the heartbeat.

Fast forward to April 28th, eight days after finding out I'm pregnant. I was nauseous every day until this day. This day I felt fine. This is the day I would begin my miscarriage. At 2:30pm I started bleeding. I panicked. Josh was in the shower so I called my dr who told me to come straight to the office for a beta check. By 3pm I was at the office and by 4pm I was back home and bleeding heavier. I knew the outlook wasn't a great one. All I could do was wait. While waiting I googled and googled mothers whose pregnancies made it through heavy bleeding. I couldn't be another miscarriage statistic, our bean would be fine. Maybe it was twins and one of them didn't make it. Maybe I'm just bleeding for no reason. Anything besides what I knew likely to be true.

The next morning, April 29th, I got my results. My HCG was only a 13. Any sliver of hope I had diminished.  The nurse responded, "I'm sorry Ashley. We will still have you come in tomorrow morning to check your levels again to make sure they are going in the right direction. Do you need anything? Are you in pain?" Physically no, I wasn't in pain, not even cramping. Mentally I was crushed. Why was this happening? I had two beautiful children, two very uneventful, perfect pregnancies. I'm healthy, I'm 26, my thyroid is under control.....and that, those very thoughts are what I had to focus on. I would wait until Wednesday, go back to the dr., have them draw again and pray for a miracle response Thursday.

Wednesday rolled around and I had my blood draw. I had felt sick all morning, the girl missed the stick on the first try and then once she got the needle in the second time shoved it in more because I wasn't bleeding like she liked. I had to lay down from nearly passing out. She felt terrible but I assured her it wasn't her fault (not entirely) and that the last few days were just catching up with me. On the way home I cried. This was all too much. I can't even imagine how women who are further along do this. I was only five weeks along maximum and was becoming an emotional wreck.

Today is Thursday, I couldn't wait for the dr to call and I knew there was a chance of a pregnancy test picking up my HCG if my numbers had gone up, so I tested. Negative. Not even a faint line in the slightest. I stood there for a few minutes staring at my definitive answer, I did miscarry. Now I must call my dr and have them switch my OB appt back to my original annual, as it was just two weeks ago.

I know this will probably seem like one of those lines you hear people say but I really thought that I wouldn't experience a miscarriage. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I had never experienced even being pregnant without it being a healthy, textbook pregnancy. Maybe because I was convinced that if my thyroid meds were right there is no way I could miscarry. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that it could happen to me. It did happen to me, just as it happens to thousands of other women and now I share in their pain, their hurt, their confusion. And even though this pregnancy was short lived and I didn't miscarry further down the line as other do I can truly say I understand how it feels to lose something you loved from the time you saw two pink lines (or at least I do). It's heartbreaking, gut wrenching and overall just plain sucky (lots of other words come to mind as well).

The last four days have been humbling to say the very least. It took me back to when we tried so hard for Rory, how each month I saw that negative stick hurt. It reminded me that she herself is a miracle as is her brother Calloway, who was also a surprise for us. I have experienced so much with the two of them and even though nothing will make me forget the loss of this pregnancy I am so thankful God has blessed me with two energetic red heads. Joshua and I truly are blessed beyond words. When it's meant to be we may have another child, until then, I'm focusing on the ones we have already been given.


“Each new life,no matter how brief, forever changes the world.”